Emotions from Azkaban
by SiriusBlackfan5405
Summary: Sirius has been staying with Remus for about two weeks, when he does something that Remus did not expect. Warnings: RS Slash, slight violence, angst, depression, themes of self mutilation. Thanks to my beta, Katya Black et Rachel Lupin!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

As far as Remus was concerned, Sirius never cried. At least, not where someone might see him at any rate. As a former teacher, Remus knew he should be able to sense someone's emotions fairly well; it seemed to be an unwritten part of the job description. Unfortunately, Remus could not seem to be able to apply this practice to his personal life. Therefore, he chose to ignore Sirius's sulking and instead, walk on eggshells to avoid his temper.

Sirius had been happy when he first arrived at Remus's flat, despite its small size. There was only one room, not counting the bathroom, but Sirius had practically beamed, proclaiming it would be just like old times. This attitude had lasted about a week before Sirius's moods gradually declined. Remus had just assumed he was somewhat stir crazy after living in the wild for months at a time. Being confined in Remus's flat was a great contrast. There was no breathing room for either of them. If one of them wanted some privacy, they would have to confine themselves to the loo, but that could only last for so long.

Sirius was in the loo. He had been for nearly two hours and Remus really had to take a piss. As far as he could see, there were three options: wait on it, ask Sirius to come out, or relieve himself in the backyard. Three was not Remus's favorite option. For now, Remus chose to wait. He sat down on the couch that Sirius had been using as a bed for the past few weeks and thought about things that weren't running water. This became extremely difficult when Sirius decided to use the shower for the third time that day.

Remus groaned inwardly, and then proceeded to laugh at the slight comedy in the situation. Laughing was not the best idea. Remus stood and hurriedly walked to the bathroom door.

He knocked twice. "Sirius, I'm coming in to use the loo," he shouted over the running water, before opening the door.

As soon as the room came into sight Remus gasped. Sirius was in the shower, but he hadn't been for very long. A small, but fresh, trail of blood led from the sink, across the small bathroom, and into the shower. An abandoned razor lay on the counter by the sink.

Neither spoke; the comedy Remus had created in his mind was gone, and a deadly silence fell over the small, now slightly steam-filled room. Remus proceeded to go about his business, as the shock did not relieve his natural urges.

"When you get out of the shower we are having a talk," Remus announced, attempting to keep his voice steady. Sirius's shadow on the shower curtain didn't flinch, nor did Sirius respond.

Remus left the bathroom, returning to his spot on the couch, but upon reflection, moved to make a cup of tea on the other side of the room, which he had deemed the kitchen. Remus put some water on to boil, and then pulled a bag of crisps out of the cabinet above the sink. He was acting on manners. This is what he would do if he had to speak to a student at Hogwarts- kind but firm. Sirius was not a student at Hogwarts; Remus reprimanded himself, and placed the crisps back into the cabinet.

As Remus finished making two cups of tea, he heard the bathroom door click open. Sirius walked over and sat at the table, his head hung low. Remus sat across from him, setting the tea down.

"Where?" he asked Sirius, his voice still emotionless. Sirius still did not look up, but laid out his arms for Remus to see the cuts he had drawn up his arms. Remus said nothing, but took out his wand, casting a simple healing charm. _Thank Merlin for the lycanthropy, _he thought. He wasn't sure he could stomach this if he wasn't used to seeing it after every full moon.

Remus was beyond speech at this point, not a great occurrence, seeing he was the one that said they needed to talk. He would have expected Sirius to be angry, to be throwing things. He could have handled that better. He didn't know what to do with a silent Sirius who would not even look at him.

"Sirius…" he prompted, but it still elicited no response. Before he realized what he was doing, Remus reached out across the table and slapped Sirius.

And that's when Remus realized the fact that Sirius was crying. Remus's hand was wet where it had met Sirius's face. His throat clenched, and a gasp escaped, both at his own actions and Sirius's tears. He got up quickly, looking away, and walked into the loo. _Bugger talking_ he thought, before collapsing to sit on the toilet. Thankfully, there were no traces of what had happened left in the bathroom.

Remus didn't know what to do, didn't know what to think. This wasn't the Sirius he knew. _Of course it isn't_, he prompted himself. _Sirius had been through Azkaban; he's lost himself._ Remus let out a long breath, shaky and staggering.

Sirius sat alone at the table and sipped the tea Remus made. He refused to let himself think.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

An hour went by. Sirius remained at the table, mind and body numb. He had taken a sip of the then warm tea, but the warmth flew into his body, enabling his feelings, his emotions. Since then, the tea stood untouched, and now cold. His arms were stinging uncomfortably and his face and neck were wet. He didn't care to remember why.

Remus decided he wasn't being fair. Sirius needed his chance to explain, to talk, and Remus knew that wouldn't come without some prompting. Remus stood from the toilet slowly, dreading Sirius's future reactions. Remus was used to Sirius's brash anger, his hateful, but meaningless words. However, he was not used to seeing Sirius broken.

Remus opened the door, walking towards the table where Sirius sat. His head was still hung low, and the tea was now pushed away. "Sirius…" he prompted gently, trying to encourage Sirius to look at him. Sirius didn't flinch. "I'm sorry I reacted that way, Sirius. I should have given you a chance." Remus set his hand on Sirius's shoulder.

Sirius's back stiffened. '_At least he reacted,'_ Remus thought. Unfortunately, Remus's simple gesture had caused Sirius to feel. His numbness had faded, and he remembered why his arms stung, why his face was wet- he remembered that Remus had hit him. His fists clenched, anger overwhelming him.

"Fuck off." Sirius growled, shrugging Remus's hand off of his shoulder. "You don't understand, shit."

"Why don't you try and make me understand?" Remus said gently. He removed his hand from Sirius's shoulder, not wanting to anger him more. He decided instead to sit down next to him.

Sirius ignored him, choosing to sip his cold tea. He stifled a grimace, and set the tea down on the table. Remus reached into his pocket for his wand and cast a warming charm on Sirius's cup.

"Could have done it myself," Sirius grumbled.

"I know, but you wouldn't have," Remus responded gently. He didn't want to anger him, nor patronize him. He was aiming for somewhere in the middle. Somewhere that would make Sirius open up to him, make him talk.

Sirius didn't sip his tea again. Remus assumed it was spite now- Sirius had the right to be mad at him, but Remus didn't think he was. He was more likely to be ashamed- not only did Remus find out one of Sirius's largest secrets, he had also seen him crying for the first time in the entire friendship. Remus had never seen Sirius cry before, not when his mother kicked him out, and he assumed he never cried when James died. Remus had heard the stories about his maniacal laughter.

"In Azkaban," Sirius whispered, breaking Remus of his thought.

"What?" Remus responded, confused.

"It started in Azkaban," Sirius said, his tone a bitter whisper. He gestured to his arm. "Horrible things happen to a man when he is trapped in her worst memories for twelve years". Sirius let out a sound, caught somewhere between a bitter laugh and a half-sob.

"You're not in Azkaban anymore, Sirius," Remus said gently. He longed to reach out and hug Sirius, stroke his hair, let him express his emotions while surrounded in the comfort and safety of his arms. Remus also knew that would never happen. Sirius's pride would never let it.

Unexpectedly, Sirius sprang up from the table, his chair falling over in the wake. He was about to rush back into the bathroom, lock himself away from Remus's advice again, but Remus wasn't going to have it. He grabbed Sirius roughly by the arm.

"Sirius, we're going to talk about this," Remus said, gently, but still firm.

"I'm not in the mood, Remus," Sirius snapped back, yanking his arm away. Remus held on, his lycanthropy providing assistance for the second time that night.

"Let's sit on the couch," Remus stated, his tone light, even though his grip on Sirius's arm did not cease. It was obvious that this was not a suggestion. Sirius let Remus lead him to the couch, both of them sitting down. Remus gently let go of Sirius's arm.

Sirius's fists were clenched again, but Remus knew he could handle this. After all, Sirius being angry was nothing new. Remus touched Sirius's face, pulling him so their eyes met. He knew this was probably a bad idea, something that would just make Sirius angrier, but he was willing to take the risk. This, surprisingly, was not the effect. Sirius's chest heaved, a sigh was withdrawn and his shoulders hunched forward. Remus's hand lingered on Sirius's face, feeling more tears trickle a path from his eyes to his chin, and then watching as they made their final descent onto the abused couch cushions.

"I'm trapped, Moony," Sirius heaved, his head falling so his chin touched his chest. Remus removed his hand. "I was trapped in Azkaban, twelve years. Not just in the walls, inside myself. Twelve years of nothing but the worst things that had ever happened to me. Twelve years of knowing James and Lily were dead. Twelve years waiting for the news that Peter killed Harry. Twelve years knowing you hated me…" Sirius stopped, a small sob escaped him, despite the fact that his tears were stopping.

"You're free now. I know you're innocent, and Harry is safe. Everything is okay, now." Remus said soothingly, knowing quite well that nothing was okay. Voldemort was back, Peter still alive, and Sirius was living in constant fear of recapture.

"I'm not free, Remus. If I was free, Harry would be with me. I wouldn't be living in your tiny house, trying to figure out how to make things out. I wouldn't be afraid that one wrong move would make me wind up in Azkaban. If I was free, I could do something for the Order. I'm not free, Remus! I'm trapped all over again!" Sirius had stopped crying, but now, his voice verged on screaming.

He stood up, body shaking. Remus reached out a hand, gently laying it on Sirius's stiffened arm. Sirius turned to look at him, eyes suddenly softening. He collapsed back down on the couch. Some of the playful glint returned to Sirius's eyes. He let a small smile grace his hollow face, and playfully punched Remus's arm. "But, hey," he said softly, a hoarse whisper. "At least I have my Moony."

Remus was baffled. He just witnessed Sirius transform from broken and crying to enraged, and now he was seventeen again. Remus allowed himself a small smile and looked in Sirius's eyes. "Yeah," he said. "And I have my Padfoot back."

Remus wasn't sure which one of them had moved first, but all he knew was that their lips had met somewhere in the middle.


End file.
